35 weeks + 4 days to The Weeks Leading Up To The Birth

At 35 weeks + 4 days, despite being told there was a high risk the baby may die in utero, we made our birth plan, as we had to make decisions on how we wanted the baby to be delivered and what we wanted to do after the birth. The doctors had wanted me to have a natural birth, but as I had a planned C section with my first, I insisted on a C section the second time round too. This was the best decision I could have made for my baby, as I felt she was not strong enough for a natural birth.  My placenta had stopped working properly by this point in the pregnancy and the doctors were more concerned for my health, wanting me to carry the baby to at least 37 weeks to avoid any complications during the surgery. We booked in for the C section at 39 weeks, even though the doctors didn’t think I’d make it that far in the pregnancy.

The doctors had previously discussed post mortem options with us but at this stage we also agreed the level of intervention to keep the baby alive should she make it to term. I knew I could not make a decision to turn a life support machine off, so we agreed not to intubate or give the baby cardiac compressions. Given everything the doctors had told us we decided to let nature take its course and left our baby’s life in god’s hands. I had spent the last 15 weeks just praying for 5 mins to looks into my babies eyes, to just say hi even  if it was for a split second and given everything that I was told, I didn’t have much hope that I’d get anytime with her.

At 38 weeks and 5 days I went in for my pre C section checks, where they take saliva swabs to check for infections and check the baby’s heart rate, movements etc. After the swabs I was taken into a room to be scanned and I could see a look of panic on the nurse’s face, she couldn’t find a heartbeat. I held my breath, as she was doing, and then she heard it. The heartbeat was weak but it was there, I had gotten used to the routine of being scanned by nurses with a look of panic because they could not find a strong heartbeat. I did try explaining to the nurse that this was normal for my pregnancy, but she insisted that I was attached to a fetal monitor. She was doing her job well and wanted to make sure that everything was ok, but I didn’t need to be sat in the hospital another 2 hours when I had a list of things to do before I had the baby and my world fell apart. I had no idea how I was going to cope and I just wanted to make sure the house was set up for visitors and that my son had everything he would need for a few weeks if I wasn’t in the right state of mind. In retrospect, this seems like such a mad thing to be thinking about the day before I was going to have the baby but I’m a planner and I think it calmed my mind to create lists and be organised.

I ended up sitting in the hospital for 3 hours attached to a fetal monitor and then waiting for the consultant to come see me. My consultant who was performing the surgery was on holiday and back the following day, so her colleague came to see me and advised that I should be taken to surgery to have the baby immediately as the baby’s heart beat was weak. Everyone around me was panicking. I stayed calm and said I would come back tomorrow and have the baby as I agreed with my consultant and if I had any concerns I would return. I couldn’t have the baby today, I wasn’t mentally prepared. I was prepared for tomorrow. I needed one more day with her, I needed my husband by my side and I needed to make sure that my son was ok before I went into that delivery room, where I had no idea what would happen or who I would be once the baby was delivered.