First Consultant Scan (21 weeks +4 days)

We’d just returned from a much needed holiday and hadn’t really discussed the scan at length. I think we just pushed it to the back of our minds so that we could enjoy some quality time together as a family. It had been a demanding few months for the other half and my body was exhausted from being pregnant, running around after an energetic 3 year old and work. Spending the week switching off from everything, was the best thing we could have done, as what was to come would prove to be the biggest emotional rollercoaster we’d ever experienced.  

The scan with the consultant took place on the Monday morning after we returned and we both sat in the hospital waiting room secretly relieved we hadn’t had to go into the office in the morning. We had a bit of wait to see the consultant which we would become used to over the coming months – I remember thinking how can appointments be running 45 minutes late but all would become apparent once we were seen. We were waiting to be seen in scan room 1 and I remember saying ‘it’s not going to be good news if you have to go into room 1’. Everyone coming out of scan room 2 and 3 had that “we’re about to have a baby grin” and everyone emerging from room 1 did not, one woman came out crying. I’d buried my head in the sand for a week and it was time to face reality. The nurse called my name and we went through to the room.

The consultant was waiting inside and introduced herself and the others. She scanned me quickly compared to the last scan and started taking measurements. My husband and I were silent throughout the scan and the staff present did not really converse much, the consultant just describing what she was measuring- these are the legs, arms, head. All the time she remained calm but that’s her job, she was only scanning women with anomalies; she knew how to deliver bad news. After the scan ended she turned to face us both and calmly and clearly said ‘the baby’s head is measuring small, the brain within the skull is also measuring small. You can see there is space between the skull and the brain’, as she pointed out the area within the skull where the brain should be, ‘and there also seems to be some structure missing in the middle’. My husband was processing what had just been said and I was spluttering out questions trying to figure out what she was saying, if there was any room for doubt. There wasn’t, it couldn’t be much clearer, she couldn’t have been any clearer, this was about as bad it gets.

The consultant proceeded to tell us the next steps and what our options were. She explained that because the structure of the brain had not formed properly, there was a high risk we would not make it to term and should our baby survive, there were questions over whether it would have the ability to perform basic life functions unassisted. She advised us to think about how we wanted to proceed with the pregnancy and how having a child with limited abilities would affect our family.

The consultant asked to perform an amniocentesis to see if we could find out the cause of the brain malformation, which she wanted to carry out straight away. This came with its own risks. There is a 0.5% – 1% chance of miscarriage with an amniocentesis, and all I could think was, I can feel her kicking and they are asking me if they can stick a giant needle in my stomach and penetrate the sack that is protecting her, keeping her safe.

This was the first decision we had to make and it all happened so fast. After explaining the risks of the amniocentesis, she asked us to take a minute together and we were moved to another room so my husband and I could be alone. We sat down on the 2 separate tub chairs that were in the sterile room, neither of us had the words to describe what we were feeling. We held hands. We didn’t cry, we couldn’t speak, we were just numb.