Second Fetal MRI (32 week + 4 days)

I’d been signed off work after the 21 week scan, needing a while to process what we had been told about our unborn baby. It was as if we were on pause during this time and still shell shocked from all the information we had been given. Our life had somewhat stopped but the world was still turning around us, the sun still rose and set, yet a cloud had set over us and we somehow had to figure a way to keep  moving forward.

I was still dabbling with work but after 2 weeks away I wanted to go back. I needed a distraction, a task that I was in control of,  where I could adjust the variables to provide the outcome I wanted, not this helpless state we were in where we had to let the hands of fate play out the plan they had for us. I told a few people at work what was going on as I felt like I needed to give them an explanation after they had picked up the slack whilst I disappeared, but most people didn’t know and would not have guessed anything was wrong. This was the only way I knew how to cope, to put on a brave face and keep going. I thank god every day for the resilience I learned from my mother as without that, I’m not sure how I would have functioned.

At 32 weeks we had the second fetal MRI to check if there had been any further developments with the baby’s brain and also to give the doctors a better picture of what they thought they could expect. This confirmed that my baby had microcephaly along with simplified gyral patterns, an absent corpus collosum and that we were expecting a very bleak outcome.

The hardest thing sometimes is to see the world moving on when all you want is for everything to stop. Especially when you have to deal with people being polite (and I know that sounds odd), because all you’re trying to do is get through the day without being reminded of the sadness you want to forget. When you’re pregnant strangers will ask questions that you don’t mind answering if everything is going to plan. “When are you due?” was a frequent question upon seeing my Transport for London “Baby on Board” badge. Eventually I started removing it as soon as I got off the train. This question would then lead to “do you know what you’re having?…Ooh a girl, how nice… Have you got any other children… aah one of each,” all whilst I smiled politely and answered their questions. All I wanted to do was to scream and for them to go away. There wasn’t going to be one of each.